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Sunday, 3 April 2011

Transport Policy By The People paper

Embargoed until 00.01 on 1st April
Transport Secretary Richard 'Hamster' Hammond [shome mishtake surely] has announced another step forward in ending Whitehall's war on the motorist and towards putting transport policy in the hands of the people.
There will be a new reality TV show, "The Ex Factor" in which the public can vote for the policy that appeals the most.
It is named after 'Ex Mayor of London" Ken Livingstone, who will propose that any driver not slowing down and stopping to allow kids to play around in the street will face a penalty. The campaign, called 'Kick Racing Out Of Football" is the brainwave of the Mayor who introduced such innovations as The Mayor's Taxi Lane in London.
Also featuring will be 'Ex Transport Minister" Lord Prescott and Jeremy Clarkson. Clarkson will suggest that it should be made legal for drivers to shoot parking wardens. Prescott will suggest that it should be made legal for parking wardens, and in fact anybody else, to shoot Jeremy Clarkson.
Lady Pauline Prescott nearly became Prescott's "Ex-wife" after the noble Lord had entertained a charming civil servant in a road safety exercise where they took turns to act out the roles of crash test dummies and inflatable airbags. She will suggest that it should be made legal to shoot Lord Prescott, and will make the case for electrical hairdryer points outside parking spaces.
The final guest, Great Uncle Bulgaria Womble, will advocate a new form of eco-driving for Britain's crumbling roads. Potholes will be allowed to fester until at least 2 feet wide by 6 feet deep, at which point the Wombles will fill them with vandalised speed cameras, landfilled rubbish, etc.
The will save the UK an estimated £9.6 billion from the ten year road maintenance budget, local authorities millions in landfill charges, and drivers an arm and a leg in fines.
Drivers will be invited to race over the surface and compact the waste into the ground. There will be a new DaFT advertising campaign - 'Speed Fills'.
Members of the public will be able to vote for their favourite suggestion on a new hotline where charges will rise by 1p + inflation each second for every second on lhe line. All proceeds will go towards another reality show series where properties on the route of High Speed Rail 2 will be given a free makeover.
ENDS (unlike the war on the motorist)
DaFT - the Department for Advocating Flat-earth Transport
Great Monster House, More Sham Street, London SP1N 4PC.


  1. Keith; quite simply the most sensible post I have seen on here; well done.

  2. Yes I like humour on a site. Thanks for all your hard work K.P. You please the silent majority.